(quiet, noble melody playing)
(music fades)
(car approaching)
(keys jingling)
(flames crackling)
Yeah, I got a fire at the Quick Stop.
Yeah.
(steam hissing)
(hissing and crackling)
(debris rattling)
(bell dings)
Terrorists?
I left the coffee pot on again, didn't I?
Shit!
Now where am I gonna bring chicks to fuck
when my mom's home?
(Talking Heads' "Nothing But Flowers"intro playing)
(horn honks)
# Here we stand #
# Like an Adam and an Eve #
# Waterfalls #
# The Garden of Eden #
# Two fools in love #
# So beautiful... #
So, ready for your big last day?
I am.
When do you and your old lady head down to Florida?
Tomorrow morning.
Car's all packed up.
You gonna do anything crazy
before you leave New Jersey forever?
How long have you known me?
If I were you, I'd spray-paint "eat pussy"
across the side of the building in huge letters.
Why?
Let 'em know you were there, man.
I'd rather let them know I'm not an asshole.
Too late for that.
I'm really gonna miss you, man.
# Hey #
# Once there were parking lots #
# Now it's a peaceful oasis #
# You've got it, you've got it #
# This was a Pizza Hut #
# Now it's all covered with daisies #
# You've got it, you've got it #
# I miss the honky-tonks, Dairy Queens and 7-Elevens #
# You've got it, you've got it #
# And as things fell apart #
# Nobody paid much attention #
# You've got it, you've got it #
# Years ago #
# I was an angry young man... #
I can't believe they haven't done anything with it yet.
The Lord did something with it.
He smited that hellhole.
Listen to you.
Do you mean to tell me
you don't miss that place at all?
(scoffs): God, no.
Do you?
Of course not.
# I wish I had a lawnmower #
# You've got it, you've got it #
# #
# I dream of cherry pies #
# Candy bars and chocolate chip cookies #
# You've got it, you've got it #
# Don't leave me stranded here #
# I can't get used to this lifestyle. #
(heavy metal music playing)
(whistles)
# Grandma, what was it like #
# To be on that holiday site? #
Get the fuck out of here!
# Grandma said, "Do come in, my little friend." #
You know, sometimes I wish I did a little more with my life
instead of hanging out in front of places selling weed and shit.
Like, maybe be an animal doctor.
Why not me?
I like seals and shit.
Or maybe an astronaut.
Yeah.
Like, be the first motherfucker to see a new galaxy
or find a new alien life-form...
and fuck it.
And people'd be like, "There he goes.
Homeboy fucked a Martian once."
Holy shit.
Our first customer since our triumphant return.
Act cool.
Hold on.
Yeah, you guys holdir?
Shit, everything but coke, heroin and your cock.
What?
How about a nickel bag, man?
(sing-songy): Oh, 15 bucks, little man.
Put that shit in my hand.
# Nong, nong, nagga- nagga-nong-nong. #
He likes to sing.
So, uh, I haven't seen you guys in a while, man.
Where you been all this time?
Me and Silent Bob finally bought a car,
we're cruising down to the Boardwalk...
fucking Middletown cop pulls us over
for Suspicion of Mischief.
What the fuck does that mean?
We were driving around with a deployed airbag.
The cops pull us over.
They find two pounds of Jamaican lambswool.
Prosecutor wants to put us away for a dime,
but the judge gives us rehab instead.
Shit, rehab?
Yup-yup.
How long were you in?
JAY: Six months, sir.
We got six months and two days on the wagon
as a good friend of Bill W.'s.
Check it out.
Just got it two days ago, before we got out.
Yeah, but if you're holding all the time,
aren't you gonna be tempted to get high?
Oh, not with the power of Christ on my side, sir.
Is that a fuckir Bible?
Hey, hey, the Holy fuckir Bible, son!
What the fuck kind of songbird Jesus-freak dealer
did you bring me to?
(laughs): I like them, man. They're funny.
They're fuckir stupid.
You should read your Bible, sirs.
You'll find all types of weird shit in there.
Like, did you know Jesus was a Jew?
Yeah.
(chuckles)
I need two Egga-Mooby Muffins,
and we're almost out of hash browns.
Hold on.
Now, Randal!
(chuckling)
What are you writing over there, anyway,
your memoirs?
I'm battling
this jackass on his blog's message board.
About what?
On how he's got too much free time and no life.
So does the guy who's flaming him on his Web site.
I can't help it. The guy pisses me off.
It's this fuck in a wheelchair
that's always preying on everyone's sympathies,
writing these long diatribes about how he'll never walk again
and how walkers should appreciate the blessings
of their functioning legs.
That diatribe, as you call it,
sounds like some poor crippled guy
pouring out his heart and feelings.
Oh, fuck him, man.
Trying to guilt me into walking around more
because he's all gimped out?
What kind of mind-fuck is that shit?
So I've been getting into it with him,
throwing it back in his stupid crippy-boy face
about how I love to just sit around
and how I'd rather drive to the end of the block than walk.
The guy's in a wheelchair.
Yeah. That's why I called him crippy-boy.
Have a good one.
You fuckir freak.
(door buzzer moos)
I'm not even gonna point out the irony here.
What's the matter with you?
What'd I do now?
There's a crippled guy who found a way
to reach out to a world he feels isolated from,
and you somehow found a way to take issue with him.
Sure, take his side.
Have you become so embittered
that you now feel the need to attack the handicapped?
What handicap?
The guy's just in a wheelchair.
It's not like he's Anne Frank or something.
Anne Frank?
Yeah, Anne Frank, the chick that was all...
(moaning)
...till the miracle worker showed up
and knocked some smarts into her.
(snickers): You're talking
about Helen Keller.
No, I'm not. I'm talking about Anne Frank.
She was deaf, dumb and blind.
No, she wasrt.
Helen Keller was deaf, dumb and blind.
Are you sure?
Yup.
Then who the fuck's Anne Frank?
Anne Frank's the little Jewish girl
who hid from the Nazis
in a secret room with her family.
She wrote a diary.
Oh, yeah.
Well, then, I guess this guy is like Anne Frank,
what with the diary, you know?
No, he's like Helen Keller with the handicap, you jerk!
(computer beeping)
You always got to be right, don't you?
You Nazi douche bag.
What? What do you want?
No, we don't serve Cow Tippers in the morning.
Freedom Toast is a possibility.
# #
Oh, we totally do.
(scoffs)
All right, that'll be $12.64.
(door moos electronically)
(gasps)
(sighs)
Avert your eyes, you perv.
That's not very hygienic.
That's all I'm gonna tell you.
(door moos electronically)
Emma, are you like this
'cause you have an unnaturally large clit?
(sighs)
You just had to tell him, didn't you?
It kind of came out one day.
He says it's so big,
it's almost like a little cock...
which says all kinds of weird things about him
that I don't even want to think about.
You wouldn't want to be with a girl
with an oversized clit?
No, 'cause the next stop is a guy with an undersized dick.
(door moos electronically)
# #
You're a little hard.
'Cause you're a little close to me.
I can pull back, if you want.
Can we pull back into our own apartment in Florida again?
Really? Goddamn it, Dante.
How many times are we gonna have
this fucking conversation?
There is no point in getting an apartment anymore.
My mother has pretty much told us
that she's gonna get us a house as a wedding gift.
Your parents' generosity
just makes me a little uncomfortable, Em.
They're giving us a house.
Your dad's giving me one of his car washes to run.
It just feels weird.
Babe, it just feels weird because you're so used
to life shitting on you all the time.
What the fuck does that mean?
All I'm saying is that suddenly,
you have a woman that loves you,
a new job opportunity
and a fantastic life to look forward to, right?
You got to face it, tiger: You hit the jackpot.
RANDAL: What's up?
Something wrong?
RANDAL: Nope.
Just saw you guys talking.
Thought I'd come out here and join you.
God, it must be nice to have a job
with so much downtime.
Downtime's important.
If I had to deal with all the fucking mouth-breathers
nonstop, without a break,
I'd put my head in the deep fryer.
Balls, too.
Do you really want
to sit here and watch me and my fiance make out?
- Are you that much of a loser? - Not really.
I was actually gonna ask you two to knock it off
while I was out here.
I don't fucking understand why you can't be happy
for your best friend.
He finally found a woman who loves him.
(titters)
Like you even register as a chick to me.
You might as well be a dude.
Really?
Yeah. You're my best friend's girlfriend.
You became persona non-nookie to me
the moment he started diddling your pooter.
So thinking of me in terms of being a girl
kind of creeps you out, does it?
Sweetheart, I don't think of you in terms of being a girl.
I don't think of you in any way...
Oh, that was just wrong.
If you don't get the fuck out of here
so that I can spend some quality time with my man,
next, I'm gonna show you my pooter.
Why would you want to do something like that?
All right, all right, I'm leaving!
Jesus!
What'd you do that for?
You realize he just thinks you're trying
to get him into a three-way with us now, don't you?
EMMA: Yeah, right. With Graves?
That mars a total fucking Lloyd, like most Jersey guys.
Hey!
You talk tough, but when we're crossing the state line,
I bet you get all sentimental for Jersey
and squirt a few tears.
Yeah, tears of joy, maybe.
Jersey sucks,
and we are surrounded by morons.
On that note, I'm gonna go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You're leaving?
EMMA: Yeah, I've got a ton of stuff to do
before we leave in the morning, but I love you.
I love you, too.
(whispering): Bye.
Dude, I'm pretty sure your old lady wants
to get you and me together in a three-way.
(whistling lackadaisically)
(whistling continues)
(scoffs)
(whistling continues)
(door moos electronically)
Ow.
Dude, how old are you?
(laughs)
You know I'm 19, Randal.
You wouldn't work for me last week, remember?
'Cause you said working on my birthday
would help me build character.
(sighs)
Well, at least you spelled "cock" right this time.
Why the fuck are you still getting rides
from your mother?
And even worse,
what the fuck are you kissing her good-bye for?
What is she, your fuckir prom date?
You're not gonna bother me today, Randal.
I'm in too good a mood.
Because your mom slipped you the tongue?
No, because I just read online that there's gonna be
a live-action Transformers movie.
And?
Well... I mean, as you know,
my online handle is Optimus Prime.
I know that. I wish I didn't.
Well, so not only is it awesome
that there's gonna be a live-action Transformers movie,
but I'm, like, positioned or whatever
with the best possible Net handle and e-mail address
for when the movie comes out.
Oh, you're gonna be rolling in the pussy, man.
Don't be gross.
Says the guy who was just playing
tonsil hockey with his mother.
Mr. Dante!
Leave Elias alone, Randal!
Don't look at his wee-wee.
Dude, the Transformers sucked.
Oh, no, they didn't.
They were more than meets the eye.
(scoffs)
They could beat the pants off Ranger Danger any day.
Yeah. I'll lose sleep wondering whether you're right
- about that or not. - Ow.
I thought you werert even allowed to watch a lot of TV
in your house 'cause you're all Christian and shit.
Well, as it turns out, cars and trucks
that turn into...
robots aren't really that blasphemous,
because my pastor says
that machines can turn into other machines,
and it's not a sleight against God.
Transformers were a total sleight against God,
inasmuch as God sent His only begotten son
to die on the cross to redeem mankind,
and all we did to pay him back
was make terrible fucking can'toons like the Transformers.
Nice shot.
Well, 'cause at Bible camp, we made this flow chart which...
I mean, I don't know,
kind of, like, proved or whatever that...
Well, okay...
Bible camp?!
Since God created...
Since God created man,
and man created the Transformers...
...the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal.
No, sir. They are not a gift from God.
They are an unoly curse
from the beast we call the Desolate One.
I don't really want to hear this, Randal.
The first of the fallen,
the spoiler of virgins,
the master of abortions!
You know I don't like to talk about dark forces, Randal.
(in high-pitched voice): # Let me help you #
# Out of your chair, Grandma! #
# Grandma, what was it like #
# To be on that holiday site? #
# Late that night, I awoke from my sleep #
# Hearing unknown voices #
JAY/RANDAL: # Laughing insane... #
(screaming)
(gasps)
(groaning): Oh...
# #
Oh, what the fuck was that?
What?
That wave.
I saw Becky, so I waved.
She'll be in here in 20 seconds.
And?
And you've got to greet her
before she gets in here, you fuckir ass-kiss?
What's that all about?
It's called friendship.
She's your boss.
You can't be friends with your boss.
No, you can't be friends with your boss.
I like my boss.
I think there's something going on
between you two.
You're crazy.
You spend an awful lot of time talking to her.
I spend an awful lot of time talking to you, too.
And I've always maintained
you're harboring an unrequited homosexual crush on me.
We're just friends.
That's what I keep telling you.
No, you idiot, me and Becks.
"Becks"?
I knew it.
You're fucking around with the boss.
Yeah, that's why I'm moving to Florida with my fiancee.
Why would you want to fuck around
with a chick your own age, man?
If you've got to sow some of your wild oats,
there's all these fine young chicks
that stop in here after school.
First off, I'm not cheating on my fiancee.
Secondly, if I was cheating on my fiancee,
it wouldn't be with a teenager.
Why not?
The best part of this job
is all the barely-legal pussy that comes in here.
And they all look up to me,
'cause I've got a driver's license.
It's awesome. You're 33.
You show me one 33-year-old chick
who's as buck-wild in bed
as her 17-year-old counterpart.
17-year-olds nowadays are crazy.
They're up for anything.
They even like it when you go ass to mouth.
Oh... my... God.
What?
Are you serious?
I don't fuck around when it comes to ass to mouth.
DANTE: You never go ass to mouth.
It's never my idea.
These young girls today get all horned up,
and they tell you to go ass to mouth.
You never go ass to mouth, Randal!
You sound like my mom.
Becks, do you ever go ass to mouth?
You never go ass to mouth.
You've never gone ass to mouth?
You never go ass to mouth.
I've never gone ass to mouth.
Not even once?
Not even ever.
You're both so repressed.
All right, look,
I know you've given a blow job, right?
I haven't even put my purse down yet.
That's a yes.
And I know you've gone down on chicks.
What's your point?
Well,
when you're done chowing down on the no-no parts
of your lover, you kiss him, right?
That's just like going ass to mouth.
Okay, I'm pretty sure you just compared a vagina to an asshole.
(chuckles): And?
Have you restocked all the napkin holders yet?
That's an Elias job.
That comparison of pink and brown eyes
just made it a Randal job.
ELIAS: Zing!
Shut the fuck up, GoBot.
I could probably sue this whole corporation right now
for sexual harassment.
You're just making me restock the napkin holders
because of my firmly held beliefs
on the subject of ass to mouth.
You never go ass to mouth!
Would you grow up?
(quietly): All right, I'm gonna tell you this
'cause we're friends...
but sometimes, in the heat of the moment,
it's forgivable to go ass to mouth.
(Randal chuckles)
I knew it.
(disgusted groan)
I'm fuckir bored, man!
And boredom's the first step on the road to relapse.
("Goodbye Horses"playing)
Oh!
# #
Would you fuck me?
I'd fuck me.
I'd fuck me hard.
# Ooh, ooh... ooh, ooh... #
(long sigh)
("Goodbye Horses"plays faintly from outside)
Shit.
Well, hello, Miss Scott.
Well, here he is, the escape artist.
I'm not gone yet.
Please. You've been gone for the last month.
When do you guys leave?
Well, we start driving tomorrow morning.
Oh, uh, I left you the forwarding address
for my last check on the calendar there.
So you did.
That's her parents's house, right?
Yes, but only until the wedding.
And then, from what I hear,
her parents are giving us a house.
Nice!
So I guess dowries are making a comeback.
Oh, yeah.
Her dad sweetened the pot with two fatted calves
and a goat. (laughs)
I'm gonna miss you, Hicks.
Yeah, I'm gonna miss you, too.
I still can't believe
you're just gonna leave me alone in this place...
with Randal Graves, of all people.
Quit.
Move to Florida.
You could work at the car wash with me.
Wow, you make it sound so tempting.
How can I say no?
Oh, yeah... 'cause it's a fucking car wash in Florida.
Like it's any worse than this place.
Hurl the insults all you want, buddy man.
As soon as my uncle's on his feet again,
it's not like I'm gonna be staying here.
- Hey, how's he doing? - A lot better.
It only took two years and a shitload of chemo,
but... his red cell count's almost back to normal.
That's great.
Yeah, it's great for me, too.
Couple of weeks in this crap shack
turned into a couple of years a little too quickly.
But, Hicks, we can sit here
making small talk about your last day
and what it is I'm going to do once you're gone,
or we can treat this like any other workday.
Ding-a-ling-a-ling!
(chuckling)
Randal.
One ring to rule them all.
And you wonder why no chick'll let you stick your cock in her.
I never wondered that.
Yeah, 'cause you've accepted the fact
that you'll never get a chick a long time ago.
I could get a chick if I wanted.
(laughs): Who are you kidding?
You can't get a chick, you mook.
You're too weird and sad.
I turn down chicks left and right.
Your chicks are your "left" and "right."
Yeah, right. What do you know?
Uh, I know you're a huge fuckir nerd
of Potsie-like proportions, and no chicks dig nerds,
especially nerds that are into Lord of the Rings.
(laughs quietly)
Chicks dig Lord of the Rings, Randal.
Yeah. The kind of chicks
that are into swords and elves and shit,
and I wouldn't fuck them with the Torch of Gondor.
Oh, you're so gross!
(door moos electronically)
Hey, man.
Welcome to Mooby's. May I take your order?
Yeah, um...
let's see.
Give me one Udderly Delicious Moo-ilk Shake,
Skinny Calf and an order of onion rings. Thanks.
(register beeping)
"One ring to rule them all."
(register beeping)
"One ring to find them."
Oh, Jesus.
"One ring to bring them all."
"And in the darkness bind them."
Yes! Dude!
How many times?
Well, um, three for Fellowship,
two for Towers,
four for Return.
Five for Return.
Dude!
All right, look,
there's only one Return, okay,
and it ain't of the king... it's of the Jedi.
Oh, Star Wars geek.
Oh, I'm the geek?
Look at you two, whipping out your preciouses.
You'll have to excuse him.
He's not "down" with the trilogy.
Oh, what the fuck happened to this world?
There's only one trilogy,
you fucking morons.
You know what?
Maybe we should start calling your friend Padme,
because he loves Mannequin Skywalker
so much, right?
(robotic monotone): "Danger, danger.
"My name is Anakin.
My shitty acting is ruining saga."
(chuckles): Yeah. Yeah, you're crazy, Jar-Jar.
Oh, I'm crazy?
Those fucking hobbit movies were boring as hell.
All it was was a bunch of people walking.
Three movies of people walking to a fuckir volcano.
Here's the first movie.
And here's the second movie.
He is way off. Loser.
You ready for the third movie?
(sighs)
Fuckir A.
Even the fuckir trees walked in those movies.
You know what?
I've had enough of you.
Your simplistic analysis of the trilogy aside,
The Lord of the Rings was a massive achievement that
even the Academy recognized
when they gave Peter Jackson the Best Directing Oscar...
an award your little friend George "Toy Boy" Lucas has never
and will never win.
Bones.
Oh, sick burn.
Let me tell you something.
If Peter Jackson really wanted to blow me away
with those "Rings" movies, he would've ended the third one
on the logical closure point,
not the 25 endings that followed.
What's the logical closure point?
Yeah, friend,
enlighten us.
When fucking Frito wakes up from his little coma or whatever,
and the little hobbits are jumping up and down on his bed,
and Sam leans in the doorway
and gives him that very fuckir gay look.
ELIAS: Not the Rings, Randal.
Say what you will about Jesus,
but leave the Rings out of this.
I am gonna kick your ass back to the Shire
if you don't shut your fuckir mouth.
That look was so gay, I thought Sam was gonna tell
the little hobbits to take a walk
so he could saunter over to Frodo
and suck his fuckir cock.
Now, that would've been an Academy Award-won'thy ending.
Hey, faggot, they're not gay. They're hobbits.
And then right after the Sam-Frodo suckfest,
right before the credits roll,
Sam fucking flat-out bricks in Frodo's mouth.
I swear...
Fuck you!
(laughs): I made fun of Lord of the Rings so hard,
it made some super-geek puke all over the counter.
Where do we keep the mop and bucket
so I can have Elias clean it up?
In the closet with the rest of the cleaning products.
We have cleaning products?
(light jazz playing over radio)
Why does it smell so weird in here?
Buh-bye.
I'm on to you.
You know he's not gonna make it here long
once you're not here to protect him anymore, don't you?
Well, you're the one out there encouraging him,
advocating ass to mouth.
I wasrt advocating it, you big prude.
I just said it was fine once in a while.
Like you wouldn't do it if Emma told you to.
(scoffs): Christ, no!
Oh, I thought love knew no bounds.
Ew. That came off kind of catty, didn't it?
A little daytime soapish, yeah.
I'm sorry.
I don't know why I said that.
I actually kind of like Emma.
So do I.
So that's why you're getting married!
I can't wait until you get engaged,
so I can bust your balls as hard as you've busted mine.
You're going to be waiting a long time, sir.
Oh, that's right. I forgot.
You're the cold-hearted ice princess
that doesn't believe in marriage.
I'm not saying that it's not all right for you,
but, yes, I do think
that marriage goes against our primal nature.
To be loved?
To fuck as much as possible...
spread the seed around and keep the species going.
And all that shit they feed us in the movies
and greeting cards is just propaganda
to get us to marry, have kids and keep the economy going.
Marriage is just the keystone to economics.
You're such a sappy girl.
- Mm. - Are you trying to tell me
you don't believe in love, Beckalah?
In romantic love,
no.
Like, I love my parents.
I love my car. I love you.
But romantic love, hearts and flowers,
"There's only one person out there for me"?
Come on, you know how many people there are out there?
Odds are there's always going
to be someone who's a better match for you
than the person you end up marrying.
So based on your theory,
there's someone out there better for me than Emma.
Oh, no, I'm not touching that one.
Wait a second.
You don't think I really love her?
(sighs): I think...
you love what she represents.
Which is...?
Come on, Dante, she was the girl who wouldn't give you
the time of day back in high school.
And years later, after she's played the field
and realized how unsatisfying the so-called "hotties" are,
she's finally gone with someone who looks...
Oh, my God,
you're gonna say "fugly," aren't you?
Unconventional!
Ah, nice backpedal.
Thank you. (laughs)
It took her a few years
to finally figure out that thing
that every mother tries to teach their little girl
but she has to learn on her own,
and that's that guys that look like you
have a lot more to offer, because you'll always
try harder than the pretty boy.
What am I, some hideous fucking CHUD over here?
(laughs): No, you're a catch... kind of.
And Emma's a catch, too.
'Cause not only is she pretty, but...
she'll make all your decisions for you.
Which is lucky, because you're pretty terrible
at making decisions.
So my last day is all about you telling me
what an ugly, indecisive loser I am?
(laughs)
Come on, you worked at Quick Stop
for, like, a decade,
and you've been here for a year almost,
and since day one at both jobs,
all you've ever said is how you needed
to get out and start your life.
And it wasrt until Emma walked through the door and was,
like, "Come down to Florida with me,
"and I'll fuck your brains out,
and my daddy will give you a job, and blah-blah,"
that you actually went and did something about it.
And I get it... it's...
she's your golden ticket, dude.
So, uh...
...what's that make you?
I'm just the girl who fucks ugly, indecisive losers
in the kitchen once this place is closed.
(whispers): That's me.
(laughing)
DJ: That's something for the lovers out there.
J-RAM Radio. Right around high noon...
So, we're never gonna talk about it, are we?
What is there to say?
Do you regret it?
Do you?
I regret that it was on the prep station table.
Yeah, you regret it... you werert the one
who got mayo in your cooch.
(both laughing)
What do you want me to say?
We were drunk, you know?
It just kind of happened.
You're just lucky
I'm not one of those monogamists like your girlfriend.
Otherwise, I might try to make you stay in Jersey.
If anyone could do it, it'd be you.
Dude, your old lady's out here looking for you.
(door creaks)
(whispers): Yeah.
Come outside with me. I've got a surprise for you.
That's my surprise?
No.
# Goodbye, horses... #
Hey.
Oh.
So, um...
are you looking for a good Transformers site?
Because at CarsToBots. Com,
you can get an avatar
that's your picture morphed to look like a robot.
Come on, man.
You know I only surf Transformers sites
when there's girls around, so they can see how cool I am.
So what are you doing then?
Trying to secure a going away present for Mr. Dante.
Really?
Well, how about an Arwen sword replica?
What?
Uh...
'Cause it's, like, thoughtful and practical.
I was thinking of something a little more sexy.
Well, what's sexier than an elf princess's sword?
A donkey show.
What's that?
You ever see a chick give a mule a blow job?
(screeching): Oh, no...!
Shh...!
Jesus!
If you spoil this, I'm gonna brain you.
You gonna keep your mouth shut?
(muffled): Yes.
God.
That's bestiality, Randal.
At its finest, I hope.
Who'd want to see something like that?
Me, Dante, you.
I don't want to see something like that.
Why would you want to see something like that?
Because it's fucked up.
And I want to see
if a chick with a mouthful of donkey spunk swallows.
All right, here we go.
"Kinky Kelly and the Sexy Stud.
"Straight from their dirty debut in Tijuana,
"Kelly's taking it on the road.
Taking it in the ass, that is."
You got to give it up for Oscar Wilde-like wordplay that good.
Do they show pictures?
Only one of Kinky Kelly sucking off Optimus Prime.
Really?
Ow.
Let me borrow your cell phone.
Whoa.
Well, 'cause, I'm only supposed to use it
to call my parents in case of an emergency.
This is an emergency.
We got to lock up Kinky Kelly for tonight,
so we can give Mr. Dante a memorable send-off.
You love Mr. Dante, don't you?
In a non-gay way.
Then give me your phone.
'Cause Mr. Dante's never seen a donkey show.
And it'd be nice to give him this before he goes off
to Florida and gets married and does all those other things
that prevent a guy from ever seeing
a fucked-up donkey show in his lifetime.
Hello.
Uh, I was hoping to schedule Kinky Kelly for a performance.
Tonight.
Okay.
I'm on hold.
Fingers crossed.
We should probably cross dicks, too.
No.
BECKY: Work, work, work.
That's all you ever think about, Hicks.
Hey, Becks.
Hey, Emma.
Great shirt.
Isn't it? I love it.
What I love even more are these.
These came in early,
and I just had to come back and show Dante.
And give you yours, of course.
And I have one for Randal, I guess.
What is it?
Look, I know it's three months away,
but it would mean so much to us if you could make the trip down.
Well... yeah.
Uh, I wouldn't miss it.
I thought we were waiting till we got down there
before we picked a date.
Oh, him is so cute.
Him thinking again, huh?
If we left anything up to these jackals,
nothing would ever get done, would it?
I'm just teasing.
Guess you got to make their decisions for 'em sometimes.
All right, I've got it.
I will see you then.
Thank you.
My friend, tonight,
we bring a bit of TJ to the Jersey 'burbs.
(door moos electronically)
Well, I don't know about this, Randal.
I mean, how do we know this isn't a hoax?
Like, were there any pictures on the Web site?
Strangely, no.
But if you've seen pics of one chick sucking off a donkey,
you've seen them all.
Well, what if you haven't ever seen pics
of anything like that?
Well, then you must be as blind as Anne Frank.
'Cause what's the point in having an Internet connection
if you're not using it to look at weird, fucked-up pictures
of dirty sex you'll never have yourself?
Ho-ly shit.
You know, I've never pieced this together until right now.
You're a virgin, aren't you?
You know I have a girlfriend, Randal.
Oh, yeah.
What's her name again?
Myra Hodgkiss.
You made her up, didn't you?
That name sounds so made-up.
No.
Seriously, Elias, have you and Myra had sex yet?
Well, that's just kind of personal, Randal.
Come on!
I tell you about my sex life all the time.
I let you smell my fingers
after I fucked Taton Weathers' kid sister
in the office that one time, didn't I?
You kind of made me smell your fingers.
Maybe you just don't like the pussy.
Maybe you're all about the cock.
No, no, I like the pussy.
So come on.
Did Myra ever give you a crack at her crack or what?
Well, not that it's any of your business, Randal,
but she can't.
Why?
Jesus, Elias, come on.
You got to start trusting me more.
Because once Dante's gone,
you're gonna be my new best friend.
No, I'm not.
Who the fuck else am I gonna hang out with?
It's gonna be you and me, buddy.
So come on.
You got to start trusting me more.
Open up and tell me shit.
Like why haven't you fucked Myra yet?
(sighs)
Well, we can't because of Pillow Pants.
What the fuck's Pillow Pants?
Pillow Pants is a little troll who lives in her pussy.
Pillow Pants is her pussy troll.
Duh.
You know how every girl's parents
put a pussy troll in them when the girls are young
to keep them from having premarital sex?
Sure.
Well, Myra's is named Pillow Pants.
And so, even though she totally wants to have sex with me,
Myra says if I put my thing in her,
Pillow Pants will bite it off.
So I got to wait until Pillow Pants
gets peed out of her body on her 21st birthday
before we can have sex.
And Myra told you this?
Boyfriends and girlfriends
talk to each other about sex stuff, Randal.
You'd know this if you ever had a girlfriend.
Have you and Myra even kissed yet?
We would have already, if it wasrt for Lister Fiend.
Lister Fiend is her mouth troll, isn't it?
Women.
I'll be right back.
You are never gonna believe what Elias just told me.
Look who it is, Randal.
Randal Graves.
You work here, too?
Jesus. Anyone else from our graduating class back there?
RANDAL: Well, well, well...
Pickle Fucker.
Man, look at you two fun-ployees.
Nothing's changed.
You know, I'll bet dollars to donuts,
when you two aren't fighting
about who shot first, Han or Greedo,
you can still muster up enough energy
to make fun of other people.
Yeah. So hurry up and order and get out of here,
so we can make fun of you.
Oh, I don't know if you're in a position
to make fun of anyone anymore, Graves.
32 and you're flipping burgers?
Before that, I'd heard it was the Quick Stop
for, what, like, ten years?
We can't all be Internet millionaires.
Who's an Internet millionaire?
Elias, this is Lance Dowds.
We went to high school together.
A few years ago,
he built a search engine which compiles the lowest prices
of merchandise you can buy online.
You might have heard of it... MadDucketts. Com.
Didrt that just sell to Amazon for, like, 20 million bucks?
RANDAL: Yeah, but back before
he was the Mad Ducketts guy, he was just Pickle Fucker.
You see, freshman year,
the seniors would hunt us down and put us through
what they called initiations.
They'd stuff us into lockers
or throw us in the girls' shower room naked.
But Lance here got the worst of it.
The seniors yanked down his pants,
and shoved a pickle up his ass,
and made him walk ten feet.
The pickle fell out before he hit the ten-foot mark.
He had to take a bite of it, reinsert it and walk again.
Ew...
Yeah, but don't worry... he made it.
His pickle was small enough to stay wedged
after only four bites.
I'll bet you're the only guy in the world
who still remembers that, Graves.
Oh, I bet you still remember it pretty vividly...
Pickle Fucker.
ELIAS: Do you have any interest
in building the ultimate fan site
for both The Lord of the Rings and The Transformers?
Because I'd moderate it for free.
Ease up, Pillow Pants.
The dude's not into your D&D, GoBots bullshit.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't insult the guy.
The GoBots are like the Kmart of Transformers.
Thank you!
I keep telling them that.
Here, here's my e-mail address.
Drop me a line with some of your ideas.
Cool.
LANCE: Okay, let's see.
What do I want?
Uh... how about a Skinny Calf with cheese and a Diet Coke?
I'll get your order.
Here you go.
Well, that was fast.
And fresh.
Thanks. Come again.
Yo, let's wrap this up so I can get my Cow Tipper on.
You know what?
Take mine.
Something tells me I'm not gonna like it, am I?
Wow, thanks, Pickle Fucker.
Yo, so Pickle Fucker gave us free eats!
You know, I don't eat fast food.
It's not good for you.
But when I heard you guys were actually working here,
well, I just had to see it for myself.
It's kind of nice having that kind of free time.
Just like it's kind of comforting to know
that some things never change.
Take care, clerks.
(imitates gunshots)
Ooh, sick burn.
(chuckles)
(door moos electronically)
Fuck this.
Let me borrow your car.
You're supposed to be working.
I got to get out of here for a few minutes.
Let me borrow your car.
Elias, tell Becky we'll be right back.
(door moos electronically)
(Elias shouting anxiously in distance)
Where we going?
You know, this tastes like piss and flies, don't it?
Sure you want to do this?
RANDAL: Oh, yeah.
This will make me feel better.
# Raindrops keep falling on my head #
# And just like the guy who's feet are too big for his bed #
# Nothing seems to fit, those #
# Raindrops are falling on my head #
# They keep falling #
# But there's one thing I know #
# The blues they send to meet me #
# Wort defeat me #
# It won't be long #
# Till happiness steps up to greet me #
# Raindrops keep falling on my head #
# But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red #
# Crying's not for me, 'cause #
# I'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining #
# Because I'm free #
# Nothing's worrying... #
# Me. #
DANTE: Here's what I don't understand about you.